The project for the aftermath, the fourth quarter

The "After project" by ©Flavia Nasio, BloomDoula

The famous birth plan... You know, that plan everyone talks about, which is gradually becoming known in the circle of pregnant women, and even among dads, who find themselves drawn into it by the midwife during the last trimester pregnancy consultations: "So, have you prepared your birth plan?".

Often the couple looks at each other, wonders: "What is it, what is it for, but how do you write it?!".

In a few words, the birth plan serves to open a dialogue with the medical team, to establish a relationship of trust. It also serves to refine the dialogue with one's partner: to ask the same questions again while having received more information, another point of view, and to allow oneself to change one's mind.

The doula is fully part of this birth project. Both in supporting its development and in the fact that it also allows announcing to the medical team the parents' wish for her presence in the delivery room. This support in developing the birth plan opens a field of discussion and reflection with the parents about what will concretely happen in the delivery room. Talking about it beforehand, visualizing the birth process with them, leads to beneficial questions and certainties for the full conscious appropriation of childbirth.

And after? After, there is the life that is born within this family, this woman who becomes a mother, for the first time, or again, but never in the same way. This couple that finds itself out of balance, where each must find a place they do not know.

This after is called the postpartum, the fourth trimester, the postnatal, the golden month, the lying-in period... this half-shadow half-light period that occurs just after the birth of your child, from the delivery of the placenta. These 40 days, 6 weeks, 3 or 6 months for some, 9 months for others depending on cultures and family traditions, which are both wonderful and so difficult, and that no one talks about.

So to talk about it, to live it better, I like the idea of giving it as much importance as the Birth project and naming it the After project.

This After project is talked about before birth, at the same time as the birth plan is developed, in parallel. Yes, because every question in the birth plan will have an impact, a consequence, or a role to play in this After project.

It consists of discussing, in the same way as the birth process, the flow of questions that may arise. And there are so many!

That maternal guilt that appears when we promised ourselves that nothing would change.

"I have always been independent, I have lived my life as I see fit and now I am stuck with my baby who constantly demands me. I feel torn between the desire to run away, to go for a walk alone... and my responsibility to feed him."

Or also: "I know my baby needs me to be fed, my contact, my scent. And it is my priority to give him what I know he needs. I feel like a lioness defending her cub. And I neglect my partner, I am sometimes aggressive with him. And I blame myself..."

And finally: "During my pregnancy, I kept living as if nothing... and now I realize with him in my arms that he may have lacked something, or that he suffered, and I blame myself so much!"

This bond so strong with your baby, or non-existent.
"I am a bad mother, I don't love my child."
Or: "I feel useless with my baby. I don't know what to do with him, nor what he needs. My mother knows how to handle children, my partner too. Really, he doesn't deserve me as a mother..."

And just knowing that it takes time to create this bond and that yes, it's normal not to feel love right away, and that it's not a problem. That it will happen with time.

And this belief that breastfeeding is obvious, easy, instinctive, when sometimes, it's so difficult. That it hurts, that you cry just at the thought of your baby waking up. But you tell yourself you have to hold on no matter what...

"But why did no one tell me it was so hard to have your baby at your breast all day and night! To feel completely alienated by him and his needs. And this feeling of extreme responsibility weighing on my shoulders alone..."

"It hurts when my baby sucks. And I don't know what to do, neither does my partner... I just want it to stop. Whereas my dream was to breastfeed him! How did the others do it? Why did no one warn me? I feel like a bad mother and so helpless!"

"I feel so alone with my choice to want to breastfeed my baby. Everyone discourages me, and they keep offering me a bottle and industrial dairy products. It's already difficult and on top of that I have to fight against my surroundings, where everyone seems to know better than me what to do."

And what are these discharges that continue 10 days later, or these contractions while I have my baby at my breast? Is that normal? And this hemorrhoid crisis that occurs on top of my nipple pain? Who do I turn to, who do I call?

"When will I be able to make love again? I don't feel ready at all and actually, I don't even think about it, but my partner is becoming insistent and it creates tension. He doesn't understand me."

And these dads looking for their place... "Will I know how to change the diaper, give him a bath? It's the first time I'll have a baby in my arms..."
"How do I find my place when she wants to breastfeed? How can I help my wife when she is the one who will feed the baby?"
"How do I live the evolution of my relationship in this new family? My partner's body will change, I'm afraid I won't desire her anymore..."
"And how do I leave them after just a few days? How do I go back to work? Will I really want to?"

And this fatigue that settles in and that we must tame, so great and overwhelming, seeming insurmountable. This fatigue I have to get through.
"My partner has gone back to work. My family is far away... and I feel so alone with this baby I don't know. I don't even have time to eat or wash myself."

"I can't sleep anymore... I feel like I hear him crying even though he is right next to me and sleeping... But not me."

All these questions, these scenarios that could happen without warning, I suggest we discuss them before birth, in setting up this After project. Together we will anticipate, visualize these events. Like rehearsing a play, acting out different scenes, and finding possible answers and reactions. You will be able to question everything you hear around you about the new life with baby, all the stories.
The anticipated scenography of this postpartum period offers psychological tranquility during the creation of the mother-child bond. The mother is then more available for her baby, since she knows what might happen. And the partner too. They have received this information together and both hold the keys.

Planning the upcoming stages, measuring possible difficulties, envisioning this maternity, your relationship will help you get through this phase of parenthood. Bringing light to this sometimes dark period, hope knowing that everything passes, making the unknown as comfortable as possible.

The doula is here to support you, to accompany you through this stage of your life as a mom, as parents. I am just here, listening and answering your questions, sometimes bringing up others. And you progress at the pace and according to your own choices and decisions.

When baby arrives, you will then overcome the obstacles that arise by inventing your own solutions. And you will surprise yourself! And you will feel empowered, confident in your instinct, because only you know what is best for your baby.

This After project is a moment of reflection to share together alongside the birth plan. It will give you strength, confidence in yourself and in your relationship.

Flavia NASIO, BloomDoula

Supporting you through maternity, parenthood, answering your questions, sometimes bringing up others, listening to your joys and anxieties without judgment, just being there, informing you of possible choices, that is my role as a doula.

The emotional, practical, and logistical support and accompaniment I offer throughout these months, from conception planning to birth and the baby's first weeks of life, helps to (re)build your confidence, inform you, open new avenues of reflection, and create connections, both between mother and baby and within the couple. This support allows everyone to best experience this unique event each time! It complements your medical follow-up.

Is your family growing? I help you reorganize your living space. I arrange your home and take care of your work.

Flavia Nasio is a doula in Paris.
Trained at the Institut de formation des Doulas de France, she specialized in birth physiology with Michel Odent and Liliana Lammers, breastfeeding support, as well as Spinning Babies techniques, massage, and Rebozo Ritual.
Also an architect, she supports you in modifying your interior layout, from design to completion of your work.

What is a doula?

From ancient Greece until the late 1950s, the doula called "woman who helps" or "washer" accompanied many mothers in giving life.
The term doula appeared in the USA in 1973. The emergence of this profession corresponds to the new needs of our modern society: conscious reclaiming of pregnancy and childbirth.
A doula is a person able to kindly support you and/or your partner throughout your pregnancy, during childbirth, and after the birth of your child for about 6 weeks. This support meets your needs, is provided in person, continuously, and complements childbirth preparation and/or follow-up provided by midwives.

A doula, for whom?

For you, mother, father, or parenting couple.
Do you feel alone facing questions related to childbirth and the arrival of your baby?
Do you want to be supported in the transformations that come with birth (becoming a parent, couple, the father's role, femininity, siblings...)?
Do you want to be better informed to be able to think about your birth plan, choose different types of parenting, breastfeeding or not, childcare options, etc.?
Do you want to have the best childcare equipment and essentials without being burdened?
Do you want support when daily organization becomes difficult (fatigue during pregnancy, bed rest and rest period, return from maternity, multiple births, returning to work)?
Or you simply don't have the time...
I am here for you, parents-to-be or experienced, to support and accompany you through a relationship of trust and compassionate listening.

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